Long Island, NY –  Good news comes from an NHL game that  featured over 300 combined penalty minutes, for suspended Islander “tough guy” Trevor Gillies.

"Can someone throw me the tape?"

UPS has hired on the journeyman during his 9 game suspension.  “Hey, it’s a job, and quite frankly this is really where I belong anyway.” said a realistic Gillies.

This Islanders are looking to fill the void left by Trevor by calling up local high school football players with Mohawks.  “Look, we really don’t give a shit if they can skate at this point.  We just need a guy who can get us 1-2 points a season and kick the living crap out of anyone who comes near our star players.”  said Islanders GM Garth Brooks.

New York has come under fire this season not only for sucking but also for not hiring Rocco Tremaglio as their head coach.  “I’m not upset the team didn’t hire me, but it’s just the way they handled the interview.”  said a somewhat relieved Tremaglio.  I’m not saying I didn’t want the gig, but looking back, I’m not sure it was right for me.

UPS also left open the notion of brining Gillies back during the Christmas rush.  “The guy looks good in Brown, he’s a gamer, and let’s face it, he’s very good with tape.” said UPS spokesman Michael Oxbig.

"Hey at $26 an hour plus benefits?"